Light. (a word for 2021)

  Light.

: having little weight : not heavy

: designed to carry a comparatively small load

: not dark, intense

: something that makes vision possible

: a particular illumination

  Who knew the world light had so many definitions? It is my word for 2021 (see more about words from past years here! 2019, 2017, 2016, 2015) and when Justin asked me which definition I was intending, I literally said 'all of the above!" I've chosen words like committed, steady, quiet, rooted, faithful, hallelujah and abide. And its pretty cool so see the impact those words had (and still have!) like having read through the Bible a few times, taken up new prayer routines, learning to be intentional with community and community building, picking up the regular practice of thankfulness, and learning about a long obedience in the same direction. But this year felt different for a thousand reasons. For one, I didn't even care to chose a word. But let me back up.

  Somewhere along the past three-ish years, the feeling of lightness, of being carefree, has not come easily to me. I feel bristly most of the time, hardly ever laugh, and everything seems serious and heavy. Melodramatic much? Ugh, I know. But it's as if I've just put on some sort of weighted coat and can't shake it off. 

  I have always been a more serious person, and that has slowly intensified these past few years. It isn't a huge surprise and when I consider what life has looked like lately, I can draw some correlations. In a matter of three years, I lost my naiveté as a parent when we experienced medical trauma, uprooted our lives near family and friends and really healthy community and moved 5 states away, have spun my wheels so much to try to establish new, deep connections in our new home (without success), endured a global pandemic that made life in a new place feel even more lonely, and grieved the loss of my dad far away from family and friends. Sort of like gut punch after gut punch, you know? I think what has made each of those seem extra heavy to me is that they all happened when I was being obedient to things I knew God was calling me to. It is impossible to not feel bristly when you are open handed with all aspects of life (especially when it doesn't always make logical sense, but you're trusting God to work out the details.). And then time goes by, but those 'details' just feel hard and heavy and not at all anything like what you left behind. It becomes really easy to 

BUT. But, isn't that part of Satan's cleverness? To help us forget in the dark what was so clear in the light? When things get heavy or hard or we find ourselves not in a season of fullness, it is pretty clever of him to gently, slightly shift our focus to the weight of things until eventually it is all we can feel or see or hold onto. One of my favorite songs this past year from NeedToBreathe has this line that keeps rolling around in my head

 "hang on to the light in your eyes and the feeling, hang on to your love-drunk original reason, all these things I've learned, it's never a straight line, cause all these things take time, these things, they take time."  

  You guys, I've done exactly that. Slowly over the past few years (and then a bit quicker since the pandemic started and the gut punches really rolled in), I've forgotten that light, the love-drunk original reason for why I so happily opened my hands and asked God to show me his faithfulness in big ways and jumped to move across the country and have tired so hard to keep building community in our new home (can I keep saying that though we've been here for two years??). Probably even a year ago, light didn't feel as foreign as it does to me now. It seems the past year (global pandemic, anyone?) has just put a big 'ole exclamation point on anything that felt hard or heavy over the past few years. 

So here we are, with a fresh determination to shake that off. I can literally feel my need to find the light and shoe off heaviness. So, light it is. My word for 2021! I still actually have zero idea what God is up to and, if I'm honest, I feel a bit more hesitant about staying open-handed. Obedience seems a bit tender to me these days and not I don't feel quite so eager to pray bold things right now. But light- I can start looking for that. I wrote this in a blog post from last Spring and the words hit home today for me... 

"In the meantime, I’m a firm believer that he gives us things like sunshine and snail mail and innocent kids with their fart jokes and the occasional glass of wine and pizza and FaceTime and the ability to go for a run to help us move through the days until we’re on the other side of whatever feels heavy." 

Preach to myself much?! So, here's to 2021 being a year where (even if I still don't feel clued into what God is up to) I shake off some heaviness. Laugh a bit more. Give less thought to how awkward I am. Sit with the good lists longer than I give thought to the hard stuff. Let the light in, let the light in. That's my motto for 2021 😌✨

Used up.

Filled to be emptied again.

Meant to be used up.

Those two phrases or ideas have completely shifted my attitude and, honestly, my heart lately.

The first is from a pretty popular song, but I heard the second from the director of the bible study I attend during the school year. She said it in reference to our life on earth and how we want to approach the Lord when we get to heaven. As in, the goal isn't to hoard our energy or money or things during our lifetime, but instead to be fully used up and be able to stand before God saying "I gave it all for you. I gave patience and kindness and my time and my money and things to build your Kingdom. Here I am- a bit bruised and beaten, but fully used up." While she used it in the context of our entire life, I heard it in the context of my current days as a mom.

  I am fully used up the end of each day. My energy is gone, I'm running on little patience by 8pm, my creativity is depleted, all I have has been used up throughout the day with my little guys. A few months ago, I had sort of been viewing that as a less than wonderful thing. Like ugh, I'm spent. After hearing that specific talk at Bible study this spring though, I realized that yes, I'm used up. I'm used up! God fills me every single morning, not to conserve my love and patience and fun- but to give every little bit of it to my boys. I should be tired and emptied of patience and love and fun by the end of each day. That's the point!

  Such a basic shift in how I look at my days and my heart. Nothing at all has changed besides my attitude and my approach. I'm filled (every day) to be emptied. I get a bit bruised and tired and used up because that is what the Lord has created me for- specifically as a mom these days. But in other areas too. With friends and my husband and in my family. I'm sure I will feel this same way when I return to full-time social work in a few years.

So here's to being used up each day- and at the end of this life- and seeing that as a good thing!

faith things: one word.

Its taken me some time, but I've settled on one word for 2011.

quiet.

Kind of a strange word to choose, no? But after circling around words like joy, discipline, and focus...this is where I landed. And for several reasons.

I've been praying Psalm 131 for 2 1/2 years now, and it really gets to me...

My heart is not proud, LORD, 

my eyes are not haughty; 

I do not concern myself with great matters 

or things too wonderful for me. 

But I have calmed and quieted myself, 

   I am like a weaned child with its mother; 

   like a weaned child I am content.

 Israel, put your hope in the LORD 

   both now and forevermore.

...and quieted stands out to me. So often, my heart and mind are just plain busy. quieted and weaned are two things I always strive to be, but rarely am. 

In the same way, my life is pretty loud. I love busyness. I love going and moving and doing. The trouble is, I get caught up in the loudness of life, and forget to be quiet.

And finally and more practically, I kind of despise quietness. I always have background music, tv, or noise of some kind. But solitude and quiet are some of the greatest joys of discipline.

So 2011, may you be a year of quiet things for me.

faith things: new year's resolutions.

Its that time of year again. where gyms memberships increase, diets begin, and smoker's everywhere vow to quit. Ah yes, new year's resolutions. 

I don't think I've ever actually made a resolution, but I always have thoughts or ideas of what I want to change/improve/achieve in the coming year. I'm probably not alone in saying that those thoughts/goals/ideas are pretty fleeting and most definitely do not last throughout the year. 

I was listening to kLove radio online the other (thankyouverymuch Pandora, for setting such a low listening limit. That I seem to reach every.single.month.) and hear about this neat alternative to new year's resolutions. 

Instead of making a specific goal or focusing on some deficit or negative thing and try to make it positive, you simply pick a word.

By choosing a word (like endurance, patience, prayer, discipline, hope) and making it your focus for the next year, you narrow down to a specific that can be applied across all aspects of your life.

Interesting. So, that's what I'm doing. I still haven't chosen a word, as I'm taking my time and trying to be purposeful in doing so. If you had to choose, what would your word for the year be?

friendly reminder.

I woke up this morning and could not think of one good reason for being in grad school right now.

I want to gauge my own eyes out.

graphic, yes. but true.

This is my life right now. (there is some slight language in video. don't judge. I didn't make it.)

clearly, I need to remind myself why I'm doing this (and that in one measly week I'll get the most needed month long break of my life).

so, in effort to do that, I've made myself a little list to prevent my from gauging said eyes out while I write this lit review, write my program development paper, create a lobbying strategy, and summarize my service learning experience. (makes you want to die just reading it, right? right? i know).

10 reasons being a grad student is GOOD and RIGHT

1. really, its not that hard. aside from these two weeks.

2. I really do love learning. wait I do? yes, yes I do. 

3. James 1:27. its not about me, remember?

4. I've been given so much, and in order to help others through the gifts i've been given I.need.this.freaking.degree.

5. I have a kick butt internship lined up for Spring semester. 

6. life isn't easy and challenges are good for me. Right, Jesus?

7. What other full-time gig would allow me to spend so much time with this cutie?! (besides being a mom. But J says I have to wait for that...)

8,9 & 10. God is good. He doesn't give me too much. He's all I need. (want to write my papers, God? pleeeease?)

sigh. I feel better already. and with my group mtg cancelled, more time to finish work, and snow on the ground and a dog to go play with...

its not a bad day.

hopefully I don't die before the semester ends though.

Clive Staples Lewis

C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite authors of all time.

(in fact, its on my list of things 'to-do over Christmas break' to reread some of his works)

If you've ready anything by him, you understand.

If not, you are missing out on one of the most wise, well spoken (err..written?) authors of all time. 

Last spring, J and I bought of book of his works to work through together, but we never really committed to it.

recently, though, I've been thumbing through on my own.

and its been delightful.

I thought I'd share this excerpt from the other day. Its really had me thinking.

"Hope is one of the Theological virtues. This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do. It does not mean that we are to leave the present world as it is. If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next. The Apostles themselves, who set on foot the conversion of the Roman Empire, the great men who built up the Middle Ages, the English Evangelical who abolished the Slave Trade, all left their mark on Earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in': aim at earth and you will get neither. It seems a strange rule, but something like it can be seen at work in other matters. Health is a great blessing, but the moment you make health one of your main, direct objects you start becoming a crank and imagining there is something wrong with you. You are only likely to get health provided you want other things more- food, games, work, fun, open air. In the same way, we shall never save civilisation as long as civilisation is our main object. We must learn to want something else even more."**

-from Mere Christianity

**italics added

friendships, grad school, and other life things.

this week has been absolutely crazy. (in so many ways)

i have some pretty kick-in-the-pants papers and projects for school 

J left his job (to move on to bigger and better things though!)

we went to small group again (another success!)

i had a bit of annoying health things (really facial swelling? every wednesday? you're getting on my nerves.)

aaaand murphy peed on our white curtains again.

awesome.

but really, I love busyness and challenges and its not been all bad.

although my grad school plate is piled hight right now, the end of the semester is This.Close. and i have next week off for thanksgiving. (can I get a hallelujah?!) 

God's been So.Very.Faithul. with the job situation. I've never felt so much at peace about such an uncertain thing. (another hallelujah? yes please!)

and small group. ohhhhh let me tell you about that. it was wonderful on so many levels! We're on James now, and as J referred to it, its a major kick in the pants. Add to that some wonderful conversation and new friends...and you have a complete grown-up success! J and I both walked away excited about the group and new friends and just being grown ups. I'm so glad we took the step and tried it out!

and I finally have some meds to help with my pesky swelling, so that's most definitely a blessing. still pesky, but not so much.

and murphy. how can I be mad a such a cute, cuddly dog? Exactly. I can't. How am I ever going to be a good parent when I can't even discipline my dog?! 

enough rambling? probably. gold star if you actually read this rambling post :)

happy almost weekend and thanksgiving! 

feeling pretty pensive lately.

not much to share.

mainly just thinking a lot about how in the midst of all our needs and wants in life (and there are oh so many, mainly of the latter),

He always provides what we need most-

a commodity of the heart called faith.

thankful for that today.

secret.

this undeserved life.

I've been feeling overwhelmingly blessed and just held lately.

several people are doing the 30 days of thankfulness...

and while i didn't jump on that blogging board, 

i thought i would note that I do have so. much. to be thankful for.

so much.

the latest provision I've been given?

a part-time job

at none other than...

(drumrolllllll)

Victoria's Secret.

and i'm pretty darn pumped on so many levels.

thank you, Jesus,

for continuing to provide.

what are you especially thankful for today? the rain? cooler weather? a nice, big hug?