Monday, July 30, 2012

Part of the story.

{Update::**for another part of the story, read this**}

Blogging has been pretty light over here for the past couple of months, huh? I have a few fun posts I've been meaning to do, but I just don't feel right skipping over what's really been going on in life to something so surface-y.

And sometimes, when you're knee deep in heartache the best medicine in acknowledging and telling your story.
Because that's what it is,
a story.
Each joyful moment and each period of pain are only a small part of a much, much bigger picture. Though it may be hard to see that in the midst of it all,
its the case.

So, today I want to tell a bit of my story.
A few weeks ago, I don't think I would have been able to do this.
Its a bit hard for me to open up and share my real heart with people. I've been hurt in the past and often fear getting hurt in the future.
But in the past days and weeks, Jesus has been teaching me sweet lessons about leaning on others even at the risk of being hurt.
And I've been really blessed by taking that risk.

In early June, Justin and I were very, very surprised to find out that I was pregnant. We had not been trying, so shocked is the best way to describe our reaction. We were so shocked, I think, that it took a while for us to really believe it was true and let ourselves get excited.
My doctor had me come in for consecutive blood tests, and the news was good! My levels were rising rapidly. I definitely had a little bean growing.

After working in the children's hospital and knowing so many with fertility problems and being such a private person, I asked Justin not to tell anyone until after our first appt. Not even family. In those weeks leading up to our first appointment...we started getting so so excited.
We were going to be parents!

On the morning of our appointment, I think we were both anxious. 
We waited foreverrr for the ultrasound.
The ultrasound tech was so sweet. She started doing her thing, measuring all the goods. 
As soon as she got to the fetus, 
I knew something was wrong.
She didn't say, but I could tell it was measuring smaller than everything else had.
And then she had me keep holding my breath.
And the monitor only showed flat lines.
I knew.
There was no heartbeat.
"That's where the heartbeat is supposed to be, isn't it?" I asked.
She said she was so sorry, but yes. 
From there, I don't know that I remember much of the appointment.
We had lost our sweet baby a week earlier, at 7.5 weeks. 

The days and weeks since that appointment have not been easy, friends. Not easy at all.
But they have been sweet in a way I didn't expect.
Celebrating our 3 year anniversary less than a week after losing our baby was colored with definite sadness, but made so sweet by the reminder of our love and partnership through even the really hard parts of life.
The love and support of friends and family have been amazing. 

No one wants to hurt or experience loss. 
But sometimes, that's when community becomes the most real.
We got together with our college friends a couple weekends ago for a wedding, and after we shared our loss with them...they offered to pray for us.
Having about 20 of your closest friends surrounding you and lifting you up in prayer,
that support and love really is special.
So, so amazing.
And Jesus, oh my.
He has been steadying my heart in ways I didn't know were possible.
He is still good, no matter what season I find myself in.

I won't lie, life is pretty hard over here right now. I still cry a lot and have a hard time retelling the whole story. But we have good days, too. 
Life does move forward, but we'll carry that little baby in our hearts forever.


LeAnna said...

{{hugs}} I'm sorry, girl. You now belong to a club nobody wants to be part of, but so many are. I miscarried our first baby, also. It's hard...but God is good, and the grace that comes through Christ is big, amen?

meme-and-he said...

katie, I am so sorry to hear this story, but so thankful that you are learning to open up and share it with people. I have always found that the more people I let into my difficulties, the easier it becomes to carry the burden. Praying for you two as you continue to move forward!

megan said...

My heart breaks for you and your husband. I am so sorry to hear this news.

Jenny Strickland said...

I've still been praying for you friend! I'm glad you blogged this, even though it hurts my heart that you have a story like this to share... None of us should!

I'm still here for you if you need anything!

Love and hugs-

Ashley said...

I am soo sorry for your loss!!!

I pray that you two will find the strength in each other to get through this tough time in your life!!

Emily grapes said...

Friend, my heart aches for you guys. I don't wish this on anyone and am so sad you guys had to face it. I pray in time God will bring you two even closer together and bless you with some babies to love on. xo
Emily at Amazing Grapes

whitney mckevitt said...

Read your blog and said a prayer for you! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ashley said...

hi sweetness.... definitely echo all the above (your blog as well as the comments left!). Praying for you & J as you navigate this rough patch of life... sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's real sweet. He knows exactly what your soul needs in this time and I pray that you guys can rest in that. =) much love to my favorite Rush family!

Stormy said...

Oh Katie! I want so badly to give you a giant hug right now! I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is! You and your hubby are in my thoughts and prayers and please, please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you! I'm sure writing this wasn't easy at all but I admire and love you for it!

Sending hugs and lots of prayers your way! XoXo

Bethany Joy said...

Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. Though I haven't experienced it from a mother's perspective, I have as an Aunt. My sister just lost Kaylee Grace at 20 weeks just 3 weeks ago. It's a strange grief, knowing that you have a beautiful child that is perfect waiting for you in heaven. But I know good will come out it. You and Justin will be in my prayers.

Jess said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine the sadness you both are feeling right now.

Mary Nevin said...

My heart aches for you, I am so sorry. You are so incredibly brave to share your perspective. I am keeping you both in my prayers and I hope you're given an extra dose of light and god's grace at this time.

Holly Osbeck said...

Katie, this is such a beautiful post. The Lord is using your story, as difficult as it is to share, to bless others. I pray that His light continues to glow in you as it obviously is today. Even on "bad" days, we are confident He is using you for His glory. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Christina said...

Katie - my heart is breaking for you :( I read this post a few times just trying to imagine what you're going through and I have tears coming down my face! :( I am so sorry for your loss - I will pray that you and your husband grow closer to each other and to God through this hard time :(

Amanda said...

I saw that you commented on my blog so I had to check yours out. I am SO sorry for the pain y'all have and are experiencing. I'll be praying for comfort and strength in this time. And that you will feel Gods love in a immense way. Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart. XO, btw new follower :)

Jamie said...

Oh my sweet girl I wish I had read this post yesterday. What pain. What heartache. It's truly a nightmarish situation you can't wish on an enemy. But you are so bright and so young and so cheerful about life. Keep your bravery levels up and know that this isn't the last time your body will give it a go! And take time to grieve for your sweet baby that just wasn't meant to stay here this time.

I love you tons!

Bethany said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Having a miscarriage is so hard. I lost two babies, one around 8 weeks the other at 12 weeks, before finally being blessed with my children. I am praying for you. I pray God gives you peace and comfort. You'll never forget your baby, but it does get better with time. (hugs)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being brave and sharing your true heart, Katie. I'll be praying prayers of comfort and healing. I'm so sorry for this heartache and pain.

Tatiana said...

Sending many many hugs and love your way Katie. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Praying that God comforts and heals your open wounds at this time.

Emily said...

katie, first, i want to say, i am so sorry for your loss. i had a miscarriage last fall, and it is harder than i ever thought it could be. i lost our baby around 5-6 weeks, a couple weeks before what would have been our first appointment. in the months that followed, and even sometimes in the last month or two (when i would have been due), i find myself thinking about how my life could have been so different. it is so incredibly hard, and i continually have to tell myself that it just wasn't in God's plan for my hubby and i to become parents right now. it will happen when His timing is right.

i just found your blog through Tiffany's post about the Indiana bloggers meet up. I live in Indy, so I hope I can go.

definitely a new follower and hope you stop by mine too sometime.


Julie @ The Smitten Mintons said...

Oh Katie, I am so so sorry to hear this. I absolutely hate that you have to go through this pain, but am so glad you have Jesus to comfort you during this time. I love you and will be praying for y'all.

Megan said...

Oh wow, this is so beautifully written. I cried through the whole post, even though I already knew the details. The pain just never really goes away. So sorry that y'all had to go through this, but I'm so glad that y'all love the Lord and have had Him to turn to. Love you, friend!

Katie @ My Darling Days said...

Ohh Katie, I am so SO sorry for your loss. Isn't it amazing how much love you can have for someone you never even knew? God has a plan and for whatever reason, He knows best even if we can't comprehend why. Everything happens for a reason... sending hugs your way!