Wednesday, May 2, 2018
It's 7am and I'm sitting in my quiet kitchen while the boys are still sleeping. That fact alone is amazing to me, since my boys have always been notorious early risers. That has shifted lately. This morning probably has something to do with Justin taking them to the park and playing outside way past their bedtimes last night. But it's also due in part to Caleb phasing out his afternoon nap, Tyler not being a baby anymore, and a host of other shifts we've noticed around our house lately. Our family is changing is really sweet ways.
You guys. I keep trying to think up the words to explain all the things changing in me these days. None really seem good enough. That alone is probably evidence enough that I'm not quite the same person I was a few months ago. I have less words, or, more accurately, I feel the need to say less words. These days, I like quiet a bit more and have been letting thoughts stick around in my head a bit longer before saying them out loud to anyone but Jesus.
All of these shifts have happened slowly and without much notice until recently. I've somehow had more time to work on small house projects in the busiest season of our life. I've said no or stepped back from things that surprise even me. New things are important now. Prayer has become something that is woven into every minute of the day, and something I talk less to others about. I've been really looking at my kids and family and taking more mental snapshots. Dreams I would normally talk about and then shrug off, I find myself waking up at 5am to really truly work on and make happen. Even more crazy, I've been reading non-fiction books and loving them. Who am I?!
I posted something about this on my instagram the other day, about somehow making time for small projects in the midst of this crazy season. And a really wise friend commented that is how it often happens. She said "when life throws us curve balls, we feel more focused and much more intentional. Instead of thinking 'someday', we think 'what needs to happen now? And then we do those things."
Huh. Yes. Without realizing it, that is exactly that has happened to my heart since January. Letting that truth sink in makes me feel the weight of these last few months. On January 31st, we stepped into a hospital and into things that have forever changed us. I think I can speak for our whole family when I say that? Tyler is probably pretty unaffected, but Caleb's life has been forever marked, Justin's focus and priorities have changed, and I know mine for sure have.
Maybe it's just that we see things differently- what fills our time versus our hearts? What actually matters? What does it practically look like to stay in constant communication with Jesus? What if we prayed about things more than we talked about them? When we know exactly how crazy life can get, how much more intentional do we want to be with the down times? What happens when we sift through the good and better things to focus more on the best?
Or maybe its just that I'm getting older and experiencing more life and understanding a bit more each day that it is sweet to get quiet and look more at Jesus than anything happening around me. Or, more appropriately, to look for Jesus in the things around me. Spring helps with that, amIright?
I just feel like this season is one to be marked. One that, when I'm 80, I will look back on as being significant. Lots of times we can't see what's happening, so its fun to know and see and be able to measure change and growth happening. I mean, check back with me in a few months to see if the little business I'm dreaming up has tanked or if we're feeling exhausted from the unknowns of some health concerns. I might be singing a different tune! Either way, it feels really sweet to be able to see God in the ordinary and specific things of our family and my life.