Tuesday, August 21, 2012


I woke up this morning and all I could think about was the weird dream I had just had about being in a hot air ballon with no basket-just a flat slab we all had to hold onto.
Weird. And a bit scary.

And then I realized, my first thought when I woke up wasn't about grief. I didn't first think about losing my baby or being pregnant or not pregnant.
I haven't done that for a while, now, actually.
That's when it clicked.
That fog that I had found myself in since early July was finally lifted.

Its been almost 6 weeks since we found out about losing our baby.
A pretty long and heavy six weeks.
Slowly but surely though, I've started crying and dwelling on it less. The sting has weakened.
Every once in awhile my thoughts go there or I'm reminded of something...and that still stings.
But the good days far outweigh the bad.

I try really hard to be joyful and grateful.
Not fake, just reflective and keeping things in perspective.
That has really been hard these past weeks.
And the only way, seriously, the only way my heart is intact is by the grace of Jesus.

A few weeks ago I stumbled on Psalm 18:36
and haven't stopped praying for that.
"You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." 
Somehow, someway...God made this all bearable for me.
Friends and family have been amazingly supportive.
But at the end of the day, when you're left with your own thoughts...
its only grace that gets you through.
I really, firmly believe that.

And today, my heart is full.
New things are stirring and I know God's still there.


meme-and-he said...

so thankful you are able to turn to God during this time of grief. Sometimes I can't imagine going through this life without Him. Okay, all the time. It is amazing how he can lift spirits.

angie on maui said...

Such a beautifully written and heartfelt post. Much love to you, friend. xo

Emily grapes said...

So happy to hear this!

First..the dream made my hands and feet tingle...just typing this out re-thinking about your dream is raising my body temp!

Second, I'm so glad He's healing you. Way to cling to Him!! :)
Emily at Amazing Grapes

Jamie said...

You're so right babe. He's there for you! Weird dream by the way. I've had a very similar one...odd.

Christina said...

praise God for bringing you through this time that is already making you & your husband grow so much. I pray that he continues to teach you new things and you remember that his mercies are new EVERY morning!!!

Amanda said...

This is such a blessing to read :) So glad to hear and read that you are leaning on God's grace to get you through this. This has definitely inspired me, so thank you, sweet girl! Have a blessed day! <3 XO

Emily said...

so glad to hear that your good days are outnumbering your bad days! it does get easier with time, although it's always still there. i hardly go a day without thinking about it...and i think it's perfectly okay to do that!