Tuesday, September 11, 2012

2 months.

Its been two months since our miscarriage
And I've learned that time really does help.

Choosing to talk about and share our grief was really difficult for me. I'm really a private person. In the past, when I've shared things with people...I've gotten hurt. Its just always seemed easier and better just to not share those things, you know?

But the therapist and social worker in me and even more, the Christian in me knows that's not true. 
I'm certain, in fact, that its just one of Satan's many lies to deceive us into thinking we don't need each other.
{it kind of reminds me of the plot of the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. Have you read that?}

I'll be honest, sharing my grief about losing our baby wasn't without hurt. One friend reached out to me by email and when I let her in on the story...I literally got no reply back after sharing really deep parts of my heart.
That stings. 
Other responses stung, too.
Maybe a year ago, I would have automatically shut down after those experiences. I mean, if that's what opening up gets me...its not worth it. Right?

Wrong. I found an amazing support in Megan. I got the sweetest emails and comments and packages from other bloggers. I got to share my heart with one of my bff's and know that she was praying for me from 1,110 miles away. I got really long hugs. I felt really loved by family and friends. I have been able to love on others who have experienced the same thing.

Most of all though, I learned that I was not alone and that my grief didn't have to be experienced in isolation.
I took a risk by sharing and got a little hurt at the beginning. But instead of stopping there, I kept being open and God pulled me closer. He used community to help my heart get pieced back together, little by little.

I think its the same, no matter what life throws at you. Whether its a miscarriage, infertility, loneliness, having a bad week, or just trying to fit in. You're not alone. 
Ok, I realize how basic that sounds. I say it to my clients all the time. But I'm not sure I've fully allowed myself to feel it.

My blogger bff Stormy sent me a really sweet package a couple weeks ago. In it was a necklace that I am in love with. 
It's got Jeremiah 29:11 on it, along with two beads. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but one of them is amethyst...what would have been our baby's birthstone. 

So, two months later and I still don't really understand.
But the pieces are falling back in place,
and I know that, even if I don't understand, God's got a plan. 


LaLa said...

Your post made me cry. Losing a child isn't easy. We lost our little one 3 months ago. It does get easier. I can't remember being more hurt by people that I thought were closer to me then when I went through losing Hope. But, God has used her little life to bring me closer to him. My husband and I closer. God has used our story to help other women. I don't understand either, but I trust him.

My heart hurts with you today, and no you are not alone. Praying for you. Sending you big hugs!!


This N That said...

Wow...I just started folowing your blog yesterday and this blew me away. Yes you need to talk about it and people are mean sometimes, but most people are genuine and caring. So so sorry for your loss. It will get easier with time. Somehow that happens not sure how but it is true.

Hugs to you and your hubby..

Holly Osbeck said...

This is beautiful, Katie. And you're right...you're not alone! It's amazing how God shows His power through community. (I say that knowing that it's difficult for me to share as well). I have another friend with a somewhat similar story...you may want to check it out. It's beautiful to see how she allows the Lord to work through her grief--even when she doesn't want it. http://sprinklesandwrinkles.blogspot.com/

Emily Carnes said...

You are so brave for posting this, and I'm so proud of you for it!! I really can't imagine what you're going through, but I know that talking about it helps not just you, but other people, too.

And, isn't God amazing? That necklace is beautiful--and I'm sure it was God's work that the stone is little one's stone. (That little one is looking down on your from heaven!)

I'll be praying for you! I kow it has to be difficult, but God knows what he is doing.

meme-and-he said...

you're journey has been beautiful to see...so glad you have shared your heart. I have become more convinced that community and the body of christ actually can be everything they were designed to be. God will continue to heal you!

Jenny Strickland said...

Sweet friend... this post makes my heart hurt in so many ways!

Its so hard going through things like this in life... But your exactly right when you say we are not alone! Even if its the basic thing to say. It was hard for me to understand this at first but when I opened up about it, it made things so much easier! (Not sure if that made sense or not!)

God has a plan for us all!

Still praying for you friend! Love and hugs!

Ashleigh Nichole said...

I know how hard it can be. When we lost our twin girls @ 8 months we was heart broken. I knew we had to talk about it. We could not keep it bottled in. I had tons of questions as to how we lost our girls & truthfully I could not tell them why. We do not know & we may never know sadly. We can only hope next time around we make it with sweet babies in our hands. If you ever need to talk or vent please do I do not mind at all to reply back & such. I know how hard a loss can be. I know god has some pretty great angels luckily watching over us. Keep your head high sweet girl & both of you take it one day at a time.

Interprintations said...

You are so strong and so brave, baby sister. I admire you for that. I truly wish I could take away the hurt and confusion you're feeling. =(

We're always here for you and are just a phone call away. Even if you just need a hug and some sister/auntie time....